Sharing a bed with a partner may be the norm, but it can make for restless sleep.
“Bed-sharing can create slightly more movement and occasional awakenings, especially if a partner snores, kicks, or has a restless sleep disorder,” says Michael J. Breus, PhD, a double board certified clinical psychologist and clinical sleep specialist based in Hermosa Beach, California.
According to one older study involving 52 couples, one partner with insomnia woke up about five times per night, and their partner had seven wake-ups.
While the concept of sleep divorce, or sleeping in separate rooms, is gaining traction, there are benefits to sharing a bed. One study found that those who shared a bed with a partner most nights reported less severe insomnia, more sleep, less fatigue, less sleep apnea, and a shorter amount of time to fall asleep. Scores for depression, anxiety, and stress were also lower in this group.
But if you have different sleep schedules or preferences from your partner, there could be room for improvement. Here are six tips to help you get a better night’s sleep.
1. Replace Your Mattress or Topper
You may love a soft, plush mattress, while your partner may prefer a firm one. It’s a difficult compromise, but you don’t have to toss and turn on an uncomfortable surface.
Instead, consider buying two twin XL mattresses, one in each partner’s firmness preference, and placing them side by side on a king bed frame. This “split king” setup allows each partner to choose their preferred firmness.
This isn’t always the most comfortable, though, says Alex Dimitriu, MD, who is double board certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine and the founder of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine in Menlo Park, California. “A mattress topper for the person who wants more softness is another alternative,” adds Dr. Dimitriu, who is also a medical reviewer for Everyday Health.
Switching your mattress entirely could also do the trick. Choose a memory foam or hybrid option for greater motion isolation, which means you’ll be less likely to feel your partner’s movements during the night.
2. Stop the Blanket Stealing
Sharing a bed with a blanket hog can lead to a frustrating night with plenty of wake-ups as you try to yank the covers back over to your side.
Your fix: Try the Scandinavian sleep method. It ditches the top sheet altogether and gives each partner their own twin-size duvet or comforter. This method ends blanket tug-of-war, and lets each person regulate their temperature on their own terms at night, starting by choosing the comforter thickness that appeals to them.
3. Create a Dark, Quiet Environment
One partner may prefer staying up to read or scroll on their phone, or he or she may wake up multiple times in the night to use the bathroom, making the dark, quiet sleep environment that’s recommended for quality sleep seem impossible. Unfortunately, that light exposure can make it harder for you to fall asleep and stay asleep. Your body uses light to regulate your circadian rhythm, and extra light exposure at night can lead to irregular sleep timing and sleep disruptions because the light sends signals to your brain that it’s time to be awake.
Even if the mild noises or disturbances don’t fully wake you up, they can still impact the quality of your sleep, Dimitriu says. “Less noise and light is generally good for everyone,” he says.
There are some tools that can help, such as earplugs, blackout shades, and white noise machines or fans that drown out unwanted noise. Dimitriu recommends silicone earplugs, which he says tend to be more comfortable and block sound better than foam.
4. Find Snoring Solutions
“Snoring isn’t just annoying; it can meaningfully disrupt a partner’s sleep,” Dr. Breus says. And it’s a common problem that regularly affects 25 to 50 percent of people.
Fortunately, snoring can improve with a few behavior changes. “Alcohol reduction before bed, side-sleeping, and treating nasal congestion all help because they improve airway stability and reduce nighttime airway collapse,” Breus says. Weight loss can also help.
A small, older study looked at 10 married couples with one partner who potentially had OSA. When the snoring partner started CPAP therapy, the non-snoring partner’s sleep efficiency improved from 74 to 87 percent, and the overall sleep improvements translated to both partners gaining about one extra hour of sleep per night.
5. Successfully Navigate Different Schedules
“It is quite common for partners to have differing sleep needs and schedules,” Dimitriu says. “Some are night owls, and some are morning types, and people have different work schedules.”
“Night owl” and “early bird” tendencies define your chronotype, which is the way you experience your circadian rhythm and when your body naturally wants to wake up or sleep (your personal internal clock). Chronotypes vary by individual, and men and women tend to have different chronotypes, too, which can lead to issues with sleep and sexual satisfaction.
“When partners try to force the same schedule, it can create a kind of mini ‘social jet lag,’ leading to poorer sleep, irritability, and daytime fatigue,” Breus says.
Instead of forcing the same schedule, try to establish a routine where you respect one another’s different sleep schedules and stick to agreed-upon bedroom rules for noise and devices when the other person is sleeping, Breus says. For instance, you can use a quiet alarm clock if you wake up at different times.
“I have been using an earbud that you sleep with, and it can wake me up without ever disturbing my wife,” Breus says. This type of device wakes you up through the earbud, which your partner likely won’t hear. “There are also vibration alarms where you put it in the pillow of the early riser and then it only wakes them up.”
6. Meet Each of Your Temperature Preferences
The air temperature and humidity in the room can affect the quantity and quality of sleep. A room or bed that’s too warm can increase wakefulness and decrease rapid eye movement (REM), which is the sleep cycle that allows the brain to repair and helps you to wake up feeling refreshed.
Temps that are too cold, on the other hand, also affect REM sleep, along with heart rate variability. Research suggests the cold may contribute to higher rates of heart attacks in the morning and in winter.
It’s best to keep your bedroom cool, between 60 and 67 degrees, according to the National Sleep Foundation. If one partner is cold at that temperature, adding a heated electric blanket can boost sleep quality. Other strategies include dressing warmly (with a long-sleeved shirt, long pajamas, and socks), using an electric mattress pad, or placing a hot water bottle on the pelvis or at the feet.
Alternatively, Dimitriu suggests trying a specialized type of mattress topper that uses air or other technology so each partner can select their own temperature (for instance, some use circulating air to customize and regulate the temperature of each half of the bed).
The Takeaway
Sharing a bed with a partner can come with many benefits, including better sleep and lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.
A restless partner’s movements, different schedules, temperature preferences, and snoring or other noises can all contribute to a poor night’s sleep when sharing a bed with a partner.
Solutions for improving your sleep while sharing a bed include rethinking your mattress and bedding, creating guidelines that honor both sleep routines, utilizing tools like quiet alarm clocks and blackout shades, and finding solutions for snoring.
