Jeremy Paredes, 23, has had severe eczema since he was a baby. Over the years, he’s had symptoms like dry and itchy skin, red rashes, scabs, bleeding, inflammation, and pain on many parts of his body. His eczema even once landed him in the hospital for nearly a week.
Now the owner of a media production company in the Atlanta area, Paredes has heard it all when it comes to hurtful comments and questions about his skin. He’s heard classmates talking about his rashes and dry skin behind his back. He’s been told to “just stop scratching.” He’s been asked if his flares are contagious.
“Growing up, I always tried to wear long sleeves. And it was just to hide it so people wouldn’t have to ask me questions about it,” says Paredes. “I couldn’t play sports, I couldn’t hang out with my friends.”
His lifelong journey with eczema, which he’s shared in self-made documentaries as an advocate for the eczema community, has made him resilient in the face of hurtful remarks. After enduring years of unwanted comments and stares, he now shares his story to help others better understand the condition and what people who have it may be going through.
If a family member or friend has shared with you that they have eczema, you may have questions about their condition, or you might wonder what you can say to best support them. Or maybe you’ve tried saying the right thing, but it came off the wrong way.
Here are eight things Paredes and experts recommend you avoid saying to a loved one who has opened up to you about their eczema — and what you can say instead to show your support.
1. ‘I Have Eczema, Too’
Of course, there are other people like Paredes who have severe eczema, too. But usually when he hears this often well-intended phrase, it’s from someone who’s referring to a small and minor patch of problematic skin on their elbow or on their leg, for instance, rather than a chronic condition that affects their whole body and has a significant impact on their daily life.
“They’ll say, ‘Oh, it sucks, I have eczema, too’ or ‘I feel itchy sometimes, too.’ That’s definitely not something you want to tell an eczema patient,” he says. “I understand where they’re trying to come from, and eczema comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms, but severe eczema patients really know just how bad it can get.”
It’s best to avoid comparing a small patch of problematic skin to a diagnosis that requires 24/7 management, says Jennifer Moyer Darr, LCSW, a counselor at National Jewish Health in Denver, where she manages the pediatric behavioral health team and is a spokesperson for the National Eczema Association (NEA).
What to say instead: “Simply ask how the person is doing and feeling,” says Moyer Darr, who provides individual and family therapy to children, teens, and young adults with chronic conditions, including eczema. “Ask, ‘What can I do to help support you?’ Acknowledge, ‘I don’t really understand eczema or its impact on you. When you feel up to it, I would l would love to learn about this.’”
2. ‘Have You Tried …’
People with eczema are no strangers to unsolicited recommendations for over-the-counter products or other remedies they’ve likely already tried.
“Most patients who have had chronic eczema have tried lots of different things and have heard it all, so to speak,” says Peter Lio, MD, a clinical assistant professor of dermatology and pediatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago. One common example: “There was a funny T-shirt at one of the NEA’s Eczema Expos a couple of years ago that just said, ‘Yes, I have tried coconut oil,’” he says.
Even if the comment is well intended, it’s best to avoid sharing unsolicited advice like this with someone who has eczema, says Dr. Lio. For starters, generic suggestions are often linked to the assumption that eczema can be easily treated with over-the-counter products, when in reality many people with eczema need prescription medications to manage their symptoms day in and day out.
It also implies your loved one isn’t making an effort to treat their condition, Moyer Darr says.
What to say instead: If you have specific recommendations for products or providers that helped you or someone you know, you can ask your loved one if they’re interested in hearing about it instead of giving unsolicited advice. “Say, ‘I suspect you’ve tried a lot of things. Can I share something a friend/colleague/loved one has found helpful?’” Moyer Darr suggests. This may be better received than asking right off the bat if they’ve tried such and such remedy, she says.