When someone you care about has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it’s natural to want to provide comfort. But sometimes, even if a remark is well-intentioned, it can actually be invalidating or unsupportive. Research indicates that increased social support is connected to a reduction in PTSD symptoms, so it can be beneficial to learn about the condition and become mindful of what’s helpful and what’s not.
“There are several sentiments that people might say to a person with PTSD that fall short of validating their experience and centering them as the expert on their needs,” says Deborah Vinall, PsyD, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in trauma and abuse recovery and the chief psychological consultant at Recovered, an organization in New York City that provides mental health resources.
“These phrases can sometimes reveal the speaker’s discomfort with PTSD, or simply that they don’t know what else to say. But awareness can go a long way toward communicating support,” she says.
With that in mind, here are five comments that can be problematic, along with better options that emphasize you want to understand what the person in your life with PTSD is going through.
1. That Happened So Long Ago, Why Do You Still Let It Bother You?
There is a common fallacy that “time heals all wounds,” says Dr. Vinall. For someone with PTSD, a traumatic event could have happened decades ago, but it still feels fresh. It’s also possible for PTSD to develop years after an event.
“PTSD results when a life-threatening experience overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope with and process its sensory input in the moment of trauma,” she says. “This requires skilled, neurobiologically attuned trauma-processing therapies to heal. That healing won’t spontaneously happen as a result of time, lectures, or simply thinking about the experience differently.”
Even situations that aren’t explicitly life-threatening can cause PTSD, such as emotional or sexual abuse, emotional neglect in childhood, or chronic illness. Any form of trauma can cause PTSD, and what one person’s nervous system registers as trauma may not affect someone else the same way.
What to say instead: “Healing can be a long, complicated process, and I’m here for you.”
2. You Just Have to Push Through This
This statement implies that PTSD is a weakness, or the person with the disorder is lacking willpower in some way, says Vinall. It may even come across as dismissive and aggressive, as if you don’t believe that PTSD is a serious condition.
“Unfortunately, this [sentiment] is often accompanied by someone sharing their experience about how they overcame something ‘traumatic’ and they’re fine,” she adds. “That’s a tone-deaf statement that can compound someone’s actual trauma. No matter how well-intentioned, your life-experience-based advice is no substitute for quality trauma therapy.”
What to say instead: “How are you navigating this? Are you getting help from a trauma therapist? I’m happy to research some potential resources if it feels overwhelming right now.”
3. That Rude Cashier Totally Gave Me PTSD
The term “PTSD” as shorthand for a frustrating but ultimately minor event is widespread, says Vinall. For instance, someone might say they have PTSD because they didn’t get their usual spot in yoga class or because their boss gave them a difficult work assignment. Similarly, people tend to use the word “triggered” when they feel annoyed, angry, or irritated, she says.
“This kind of casual misuse of ‘PTSD’ and ‘triggered’ minimizes the reality of the intense fear and trauma that comes with this disorder,” she says. “Trying to compare your own uncomfortable experiences to a condition that causes nightmares, flashbacks, and paralyzing fear does not build a bridge of communication. Instead, it invalidates suffering and communicates misunderstanding.”
What to say instead: “I was so frustrated by how that cashier treated me; it made me feel dismissed and angry.”
4. I Don’t Understand — You’re Not a Veteran
Because PTSD is slightly more common among military veterans than civilians, there’s a misperception that it happens mainly among those who’ve served. But while about 7 percent of veterans will develop PTSD in their lifetime, among civilians, the prevalence is similar, at 6 percent.
“Rape, beatings, natural disasters, gun violence, automobile accidents, or directly witnessing a violent death can all cause PTSD,” says Vinall. Trauma can also occur over time and threaten your sense of safety, as in the case of emotional abuse. When trauma — particularly interpersonal trauma — occurs over a long period, it’s called complex PTSD, or CPTSD.
What to say instead: “I realize I have a lot to learn about PTSD, and I’m going to educate myself to better support you.”
5. Are You Ever Going to Get Over This?
Putting psychological healing on a timetable is never helpful, says Robert Piccinini, DO, a psychiatrist and a cofounder of Associates in Psychiatry in Sterling Heights, Michigan.
“With PTSD, diagnosis is based on a series of signs and symptoms, and the expression of those symptoms is very individualized,” he says. “Similarly, [a person’s] path through healing and treatment is also on an individual basis.”
Implying that they could speed up the process or that there’s an endpoint that you’re impatient for them to reach can invalidate someone’s experience, says Dr. Piccinini. That can lead to someone with PTSD feeling blamed for their reactions to an event, or shamed for not working hard enough to get past it.
“It’s so much better to offer support by listening, validating their emotions, and understanding that the process is individualized,” he says. “That can help them see they are not alone.”
What to say instead: “I’m here to support you as you process the trauma you experienced. I care about you, and I want to listen.”
The Takeaway
When someone has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), lack of social support can worsen symptoms, while feeling connected can help the healing process.
While well-meaning, some comments, such as “Are you ever going to get over this?” can sound dismissive and unhelpful to someone with PTSD.
Showing support and being a nonjudgmental listener to someone with PTSD can go a long way toward strengthening your connection to them; it may even help lessen their PTSD symptoms.
