You know what’s the most American thing I can think of?
It’s not microwaving Kraft Apple Pie Mac & Cheese.
It’s not screaming at the TV while watching brain-damaged millionaires play sportsball.
And it’s not even arguing with boomer Uncles about vaccines making the frogs gay or Reddit-brained third cousins about how China managed to become a world power without turbo-diversity.
It’s Christmas.
Because in America, we don’t just celebrate Christmas. We dominate it.
We drag the dying carcass of an evergreen into our living rooms and transform it into a twinkling shrine to the Petrochemical Industrial Complex.
We trample and fistfight strangers for dubiously discounted electronics at 4 AM in a Wal Mart parking lot.
We take the bounty of the harvest, deep fry it, stuff it into other deep-fried food crimes, baptize it in butter, drown it in gravy, and eat ourselves into shaking, sweaty paralysis.
It’s beautiful. It’s unhinged. It’s the greatest commercial spectacle in human history.
God bless America.
And yet, somewhere underneath all of it—the gastronomic violence, the 29% APR, the dinner-table bloodsport—there’s still something real.
So let me say something real:
Thank you.
For reading my emails.
For trusting me with your fitness.
For actually caring about doing things the right way even when Big Algorithm is force-feeding you AI slop ads for greens gummies, “nature’s Ozempic,” and sea moss slime.
You didn’t have to choose me.
There are hordes of fake catcrap claptrap influencers and ex-spurts you could be showering with your attention and shekels.
But you’re here. And that means something.
So, from me and my merry band of misfits at Legion:
MERRY NON-DENOMINATIONAL SOLSTICEDAY!
Just kidding. I’m not a communist, so I’ll say it the traditional way…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hope your holidays are filled with good food, better company, and at least one moment where you catch yourself thinking, “Yeah. This is nice.”
Then, I hope you go eat some more pie.
Well, it’s time to get back to enjoying Michael Bublé before he’s desiccated and vacuum sealed until next year.
Oh and buy my stuff or I die.
*moonwalks*
*disappears*
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Why do we have a $99 free shipping threshold?
Because shipping a single item is surprisingly expensive.
So blasted expensive, in fact, that on a small order, the shipping cost alone can eat up all of the profits.
However, the economics change dramatically when you bundle, because adding a second or third item to your order costs us very little extra to ship.
And once your order hits the $99 mark (a few items), the math works out, and we can cover the entire shipping cost for you.
Why the $199 minimum purchase amount for free shipping?
To quench our piggish lust for grubby profits in the eternal service of the dread lord Mammon?
Kind of. But not really. Because here’s the truth:
Single-item orders are so blasted expensive to ship that we make very little profit on them. And no profits make the bean counters lose their marbles.
But when you order just one more item, it only costs us a few dollars more to ship both of them to you. Add a third item, and it’s just a few more shekels to ship.
And that allows us to make a profit. Which keeps the bean counters happier than a hammer in a nail factory.
So, if it pleases your Grace, we humbly request your mercy and patronage notwithstanding the vexing free shipping minimum.
Why the $299 minimum purchase amount for free shipping?
To quench our piggish lust for grubby profits in the eternal service of the dread lord Mammon?
Kind of. But not really. Because here’s the truth:
Single-item orders are so blasted expensive to ship that we make very little profit on them. And no profits make the bean counters lose their marbles.
But when you order just one more item, it only costs us a few dollars more to ship both of them to you. Add a third item, and it’s just a few more shekels to ship.
And that allows us to make a profit. Which keeps the bean counters happier than a hammer in a nail factory.
So, if it pleases your Grace, we humbly request your mercy and patronage notwithstanding the vexing free shipping minimum.
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Waiver and Release of Liability
In consideration of the services and/or products offered by Legion Athletics, Inc. (“Legion”) including, but not limited to, nutrition plans, exercise routines and coaching, and in addition to the payment of any fee or charge:
I knowingly and voluntarily enter into this waiver and release of liability and hereby waive any and all rights, claims or causes of action of any kind whatsoever arising out of my use of Legion’s services and/or products, and I hereby release and hold harmless Legion and its consultants, officers, contractors, agents, owners and employees from any and all responsibility, liability, cost and expenses, including for injuries, damages or disorders (physical, metabolic, or otherwise), resulting from my use of Legion’s services and/or products.
I understand that fitness activities including, but not limited to, strength, flexibility, and cardiovascular exercise, with or without the use of equipment, are potentially hazardous activities that involve a risk of injury and even death, and I am voluntarily participating in these activities and using equipment and machinery with knowledge of the risks involved. I hereby agree to assume and accept any and all risks of injury or death related to said fitness activities.
I understand Legion’s services and products are not meant to treat or manage any health conditions or circumstances, and I acknowledge that Legion has recommended I obtain a healthcare provider’s approval for my use of Legion’s services and/or products, through regular physical examination(s) and/or consultation. I acknowledge that I have obtained my healthcare provider’s approval or have decided to use Legion’s services and/or products without such approval and hereby assume all responsibility for my use of said services and/or products.
I understand that results from using Legion’s products and/or services are not guaranteed, and I agree to not hold Legion liable for any outcomes or lack thereof.
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